


Your Deepest Desires

by sapphicalexandra



Series: Seelie Court Kiss AU [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Background Clary Fray/Simon Lewis, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Bisexual Jace Wayland, First Kiss, First Time, Forbidden Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, Parabatai Bond, Past Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-11-28 17:30:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11422743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: The meeting with the Seelie Queen doesn't go as planned, and Jace and Alec are left to face the consequences of their awakened feelings.





	1. Is it fair, or is it fate?

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to the peeps of the Jalecs™ chat, here have the umpeenth version of this scenario, the ultimate fix-it.  
> This fic has four chapters, which i will try to post this following week, they are more or less done. The ''titles'' of the paragraps are verses of the Ruelle song "The Other Side", not in order. Hope you will enjoy it, i tried my best...stay tuned for my favorite parts being in later chapters :) Beware the tags. (P.S. this is unbeta'd, but the next chapters will be, I promise)

**Chapter 1**  

**_“Is it fair, or is it fate?”_ **

“Not so fast.”

Before any of them could make a move or realize what was going on, vines – thick, thorny, deadly-looking – sprouted from the earth and went to coil themselves around them. Not _all_ of them. 

Simon, Jace and Magnus were trapped in a matter of seconds, bodies, hands and necks tightly constrained by a spiral of vines.

Clary and Alec found themselves free, however. Shouting in protest at their friends’ captivity, they turned towards the smiling, petite figure of the Seelie Queen.

“If I were you, I wouldn’t try to struggle too much…the vitis veritas answers only to _me._ And you really thought I’d let you go without getting nothing in return? My, my, such guests….”

“No reason to get so violent about it, Your Majesty,” came the strained voice of a struggling Jace trying to fight with his constraints. The more he moved, the more tightly the plants coiled around him, till he became very red in the face.

Clary and Alec shared a look, to acknowledge their confusion for their freedom as well as the fact that they were now the only people standing between the Queen and their friends.

(He always found himself teamed up with the little girl, for some reason, mused Alec.)

He nodded at Clary anyway, urging her to stay on the ready. He would’ve very much liked to advise her to keep her antagonizing look down by a notch, but he couldn’t afford that at the moment.

Stiffly, but trying to not look it, Alec turned his attention to their guest once more. He must not have the situation escalate further.

“Your Majesty, what is your request?” he asked, the more politely he could muster over the alarm he felt in his bones.

He knew that behind the innocent façade the Seelie Queen was dangerous, in a cold, calculated way, in her carelessness for anything mortal…so he had to study his every move.

The entire team stopped struggling to listen intently to the Queen’s words.

She smiled sweetly, if that was possible.

“A kiss,” her voice reverberated throughout the entire chamber, “is all I require.”

Alec blinked. Between all the scenarios he had been thinking up, _that_ wasn’t one of them.

Sharing another dumbfounded look with Clary, he turned towards their equally surprised friends to inconspicuously survey their states of distress, as Clary spoke: “Do you want one of us to kiss you?”

Alec looked back at the Queen. He was the new appointed Head of the New York Institute, he was responsible for this meeting as well as for the lives of his team, the stability of a peaceful relationship with the Downworld hindering on this very moment...but he really hoped beyond hope that the fall wouldn’t be on _him_. He had had his fair share of public kisses worth a lifetime, thank you very much.

A trilling laugh was the only thing heard from the Queen. As it went on for longer than it'd be comfortable, the air surrounding them became even tenser, and Alec _ached_ for his bow, left outside in the hands of the Seelie guards.

“Oh _no_ , the kiss is not for me, it is for _you_.”

She looked pointedly at Alec and Clary.

 _Wait, she couldn’t mean_ …

Like she had read his thoughts, Clary turned towards him with eyes as big as saucers.

_Could she had singled them out because of that? Please, no…_

Alec swore he heard Jace snort behind them, the idiot.

“No,” the Queen looked to be enjoying herself immensely, “the kiss is not between you two, even if that’d be…interesting…” She _giggled_ , for once really selling the part of the prepubescent child.

 _Thank god_ , thought Alec anyway.

(If only he had known…)

Suddenly, the ground started trembling and shifting beneath them once more. New panic enveloped Alec as Simon, Jace and Magnus, still in constraints, were darted by the moving vines half across the room.

“Please, don’t hurt them!” shouted Clary.

“We _will_ do what you ask!” pleaded Alec, half shouting as well.

“Of course, you will,” came the brisk reply of the Queen. And in the blink of an eye, beneath her child-like feature, her child-like _behavior_ , the iron-grip was visible again, making it _impossible_ to believe in everything that was happening as just a cruel, voyeuristic joke. Because it clearly _wasn’t_.

Two paths punctuated by leaves had created in front of Alec's and Clary’s feet. Half way, they each separated into three more paths leading to the frustrated hostages, with which they shared pained looks. Simon looked nervous. Magnus looked furious. Jace seemed determined to not give the Queen the entertainment she desired.

“Let’s play a game, shall we?” continued her. “You two.”

Alec and Clary reluctantly turned at her words yet again.

“You’ll have to kiss one of them.”

That couldn’t be as easy at is sounded, reflected Alec apprehensively.

“Which – which one, Your Majesty?” asked Clary. Her stubborn look was back, as she stared directly into the Queen’s eyes; only the hesitancy in her voice hinted at her real feelings.

“Oh, _you’ll_ have to decide that.” She cocked her head to one side. _She is the puppet master_ , Alec couldn't help but think, _and we are her puppets_. “Both of you, walk through the aisles, and when you get to the crossroad…you’ll have to make your choice. The kiss that will set them free is the kiss you most desire...but only _one_ kiss must happen. You’ll have to decide which one of you desires _that_ kiss the most.”

Alec tried to wrap his head around all of that. _Whoever…desires the kiss the most…will have to kiss who they desire the most?_ Why must Seelies always be so _cryptic_?

He found Clary’s perplexed gaze once more. What kind of day were they having?

“But how can one _quantify_ that?” Alec started tentatively. The thought was seriously nagging at him. “How can we _know_ who desires the kiss the most? It’s…it’s an impossible task what you ask us, Your Majesty.” Alec hoped she would listen to _reason_.

“Oh, that’s not _my_ problem. It will have to be yours. And if you don’t choose right…you can very well say goodbye to your friends.”

 _There it is_. The ball had dropped.

 Alec closed his eyes for a moment.

“But! But you can’t ask us –!”

He held out a hand towards Clary to stop her words.

“We will!” Alec quickly covered for her. The Queen had seemed ready to explode at Clary’s disrespect. “We will do as you wish, Your Majesty,” he added, trying to express a confidence in his words that he wasn’t feeling.

“Go on, then.” All the playfulness had gone from her words. She waved an impatient hand their way, urging them.

Alec went to grab Clary by the arms to face her. “We’ll get through this, okay? We’ll – we’ll figure it out. One step at a time, alright?”

Clary nodded, swallowing down her nerves. “I guess…we’ll just have to _feel_ it, don’t we?” There was a hint of a smirk on her face.

Mundanes (or ex-mundanes) and their _feelings_. Alec hadn’t hated having them as well _more_ in his life.

(That wasn’t exactly true – not then, surely not later.)

He rolled his eyes at Clary. Any semblance of normalcy was welcome at this point.

They positioned themselves in front of the paths. The three at the other end were looking very pale and somber right now.

They still all nodded in reassurance. Alec tried to draw strength from his boyfriend’s determination that he could see in his eyes ( _it must be so hard for him, not being able to use magic to snap them all out of there…),_ and from the faith he could feel coming from his parabatai bond like warming waves of deep-seethed trust. He didn’t know if he deserved it right now. He really didn’t know what they were going to do.

“If we _had_ to take a guess though, _I’ve_ known Simon for basically my entire life,” Clary said, as she pointedly looked at her boyfriend, sending him a reassuring smile.

“Well, but _you_ have been with him less that _I’ve_ been with Magnus, don’t you think?” he shot back. He saw Magnus grin back at him.

“But that’s not _really_ how–”

“More quickly, if you don’t _mind_.” It was clear the Queen was the one who _minded_. “Actually, I’m feeling generous. I will _facilitate_ this for you.”

The lights in the chamber abruptly lowered, and they were immersed in a nerve-wrecking semi-light coming from the now _fluorescent_ paths in front of them.

Seelies had too much free time on their hands, _clearly_.

“ _Love is brighter in the dark*_ , as they say. Why such somber faces? You should be thanking me. Go on, close your eyes and let your _deepest desires_ guide you. And you will know the answer.”

She giggled some more. She seemed to be laughing at something only _she_ knew. _Shockingly_ , none of this quenched Alec’s nerves. She was at her own private theater, enjoying a show of her own creation. It couldn’t end well. One wrong move…

They took a tentative step forward.

“We can do this. I guess…at the end whoever feels they want to do it the most should be the right answer, right? And that person will have to step forward.” Clary’s reasoning wasn’t entirely bad.

“Let’s hope so.”

 _Let’s not think about having to kiss as a spectacle in front of a self-complacent Queen and her court._ It was better if he started ignoring their presence straight away. _Think about what you’re trying to do for the Downworld…this will have to be worth it, for the Queen’s, if not trust, at least agreement to future collaborations_.  

They started walking slowly.

He needed something to ground him, so Alec chose to look at Magnus, who nodded at him with warmth in his eyes, and Alec felt sure for a moment that it would all go alright. He felt his resolve strengthen. He _had_ this.

Everything was quiet, _so damn_ quiet, Alec could feel his heart hammering in his chest. He was almost at the crossroad. He could do this, it wouldn’t be a problem, he just had to focus on –

_Your deepest desires._

He felt his heart skip a beat. He was at the converging paths.

 _Let your deepest desires guide you..._ or _you can very well say goodbye to your friends…_

The words of the Queen echoed strangely in his mind, and he suddenly just…couldn’t breathe.

_The kiss that will set them free…_

Images, first confused, then clearer and clearer, had started to twirl in front of his eyes. Alec felt himself stop on his tracks without having consciously given his body the command.

_…is the kiss you **most desire**._

Alec felt his vision go completely blurry. He could’ve very well been the one with deadly vines wrapped around his neck.

_This…this can’t be happening._

Yet, his eyes started moving on their own accord, no matter how much he wanted to _scream_ to tell them to _stop_. Sliding down the fluorescent lines before his boyfriend, who he vaguely noticed was looking at him worriedly, they reached Alec’s own feet. Another two paths started from there.

He, stubbornly, tried to resume the steps he had meant to take. This _wasn’t_ happening. He went to put a foot forward.

He – he _couldn’t_.

He couldn’t go on.  

“Alec, what’s wrong?”

His blood was boiling. Something like a flame, an old feeling, an _impossible_ feeling, was forming and mounting in the pit of his stomach, inexorably, inescapably.

Alec slowly raised his eyes towards who had spoken.

 _Jace_.

* * *

**_“No one knows.”_ **

Jace should’ve known – he _knew_ , that dealing with Seelies was never a simple matter.

Alec had scheduled the meeting, as the new Head of the New York Institute, with the Seelie Queen to discuss recent events, like the fact that one of her subjects had been causing havoc between Shadowhunters and Downworlders by making it look like her kills were the start of a Downworlder uprising. They needed to know if the Queen had had any hand in that, and Alec had hoped the Seelie’s impossibility to lie was going to prevail over her ability to manipulate the truth. It was a delicate, crucial task.

Magnus had chosen to come along for magical support. Jace and Clary had been _requested_ , as Valentine’s _experiments_ , and so had been the _daylighter_. Such they all went, crossing into the Seelie realm into an eerie, misleadingly calm forest.

The meeting hadn’t started well and it _sure as hell_ didn’t end well.

The Queen, an ancient creature who had chosen to bear the looks of a child, had been cryptic and avoidant. Much time was wasted trying to courtesy to her needs, walking on egg shells in fear of angering or upsetting her. Simon had been a right _nuisance_ in that department; Jace still wondered the exact need the Queen had had of him.

At some point, she had taken aside Magnus and Simon for some private discussions, and Jace, Alec and Clary had in the meanwhile agreed on ending their visit as soon as possible. They had managed, at least, to learn that the Queen wasn’t an accomplice in the murders; that would be enough for now.

When they had tried, as properly and respectfully as possible, to take their leave, _that_ was when the _hell_ had started.

Being tied, rather painfully, by a glorified rope at the end of a glittering path where he would have to witness a kiss – either one it ended up being – he really didn’t care to witness (again, he might add), was not the kind of day Jace had imagined having. No matter how much he had prepared for trickery coming from their guest.

Alec and Clary were slowly making their way towards them and Jace could feel the tension deep in his bones. One wrong move…and the three of them were dead.

“Just lovely,” he mumbled crossly.

“Tell me about it,” was Magnus's equally frustrated comment; his hands were _specifically_ tied together behind his back. He, at least, had something to look forward to, though, mused Jace. If it didn’t end up in death, that is.

“I bet you’re regretting being a daylighter now, aren’t you, Simon?” Jace couldn't help but turn and tease the vampire. If he managed to dissolve the tension, they should only be thanking him.

“Do you think this is the right time to be mean to me, really?” came Simon's pouting reply. _Classic_.

Jace was distracted from his attempt at amusing himself, however, by the resounding waves of anxiety and trepidation coming to him from his parabatai. That sensation went on to set heavily on him, so much that he could feel it _strangling_ him more than the vines were doing.

Jace couldn’t afford to doubt Alec and Clary in that moment; he _wouldn’t_ doubt their ability to work together. They might be both too stubborn and prickly with one another, but at the end of the day they’d come through. He knew it. And he had already laid out his life for Alec to take and protect with his own, forever, a long time ago. He tried to convey all this to him, through the paths connecting them via their bond. He would’ve smiled at him if Alec hadn’t been looking at Magnus, the fact strangely irritating him.

Seriously, though, Jace’s presence there was entirely superfluous. He could’ve easily waited outside while his ex-sister (and ex- _ex_ ) and his parabatai chose who had to kiss their boyfriend in front of a room full of ogling seelies. He could’ve been spared the near-death experience, but, he guessed, where would the _fun_ had been in that for the _Queen_.

Unless…but Clary wouldn’t. She had told him in no unclear words, as well as he himself had seen it, that she was happy with the nerd vamp _Simon_. Right now, she was anxiously but surely walking towards him with all the abandon in this world. She didn’t desire _Jace_ in that way anymore.

Did _he_ , though, still? Once upon a time, certainly…but in those circumstances, he wouldn’t desire the kiss. In that moment, he felt it far away from his main concerns.

Jace found himself turning his eyes away from Clary and towards Alec. Two public kisses in so many months… _he_ personally didn’t care, but Alec was a very sensitive and reserved person. Jace felt real hot _anger_ burning in him then, and he wished he could do more than glare at the gleeful form of the Queen watching attentively, who dared cause such discomfort to _his_ parabatai.

He was teared away from his musing by a new, sudden, harsh sensation, that he realized a second later was still coming from _Alec_. It caught Jace completely off guard, as it took ahold of him. He saw how Alec abruptly stopped in his tracks, looking positively _green_ , so much that he could’ve confounded himself with the surroundings. And that sense of dread…it was far, _far_ stronger than it was a moment before, and it was keeping Alec rooted in place, completely frozen.

 _Why_? What had happened?

 “Alec, what’s wrong?” Jace asked him, worry embedded in his words.

Clary had stopped too, already with a foot towards Simon (Jace had seen right, but, strangely enough, the thought didn’t even _begin_ to cause him any distress), and was looking back as well, confused, at Alec. She must have noticed the green complexion too.

It seemed to pass an eternity before Alec slowly, very slowly, raised his eyes and looked straight at Jace. The expression on his face made the latter raise his eyebrows even more. He was feeling a real _hurricane_ of emotions coming from Alec, yet he couldn’t tell what was going _on_. It was all too jumbled and too much, and his heart started beating very fast, the now exponential _uncertainty_ of the situation making it hard to breathe.   

A giggle…no, a full-blown _laugh_ , suddenly erupted from the other end of the room. It was more than the Queen had ever laughed so far, and that said a lot. Jace felt his head spinning. What was _she_ planning now?

Jace looked on his left at Magnus, to see what he would say of the situation. Magnus’s face was a blank expression. He purposefully didn’t look back at him.

Something was edging at the back of Jace’s mind, on the verge of surfacing. But right then, the vines around his neck tightened even more. He couldn’t grab them with his hands to try and loosen them a bit, so he was left gasping for breath, the sharp thorns digging into his flesh. His companions weren’t in a better situation.

Alec seemed to come out of a daze, starting to frantically look at their struggles, his eyes darting back and forth between him and Magnus without seeming to settle.

… _wait_.

“ _Choose_ , then! Or they will be _dead_ , _dead_ , _dead_ , very soon,” came the ringing, childish voice of the Queen.

Alec closed his eyes, his face scrunched in a pain rarely seen in him, and just as Jace was starting to finally catch on, he saw his parabatai take a final breath…and come striding towards _him_.

… _oh_.

Alec was staring right at him, eyes wide, panicked, _apologetic_ …and as he felt the vines loosening, Jace couldn’t mask the shock and trepidation from his face as well.

 _Oh_.

Alec was always the cautious one, the level-headed one, so either he did everything with exceptional study…or he plunged right into what he couldn’t control.

It all happened in a matter of seconds, from the moment Jace _realized_ , to when he _saw_ , to when he _felt_ Alec’s hands cup his face and his lips crush on _his_.

The rough first contact felt oh so desperate, an unceremoniously rushed affair, yet it was – engulfing.

Time seemed to slow down then, and Jace found himself inexplicably _lost_ ; in the moment, in the body pressing against him as if its _life_ depended on it, in the lips moving on his with such an indescribable _want_ that made him open his mouth to them in a relenting gasp, to savor it all better, _deeper_. Their tongues grazed each other, and a chill spread throughout Jace’s entire body.

At the back of his mind, Jace knew where he was, that they were committing one of the most sacred and inadmissible _crimes_ for any Shadowhunter who had a parabatai…

Yet, in that moment, he couldn’t have cared less. Alec’s lips were unrelenting against his own, and he tasted sweet, softer than he would’ve thought. Jace felt more and more intoxicated every second that went by. When he went to hold Alec a little tighter to himself, Jace realized he had put his arms around him in the first place.

It was _Alec_. He was uninhibitedly kissing _Alec_. He should’ve stopped – yet, again, he couldn’t find it in himself to find the oddness, or the wrongness, or any reason in it, for why it shouldn’t be the _rightest_ thing they could be doing right then and there. The place, the crowd, the _fatality_ of the moment didn’t matter.

When more shivers ran through him, he _let_ them, a pleasure starting from the tip of his toes, through all the places where he could feel the pressure of Alec’s body against his, to the skin deliciously brushing against skin, till the hands that were still firmly but tenderly cradling his head.

Every one of his nerve endings was on _fire_ , and he could feel that same fire reverberating just as well in Alec. They had _never_ been more in sync, not even in battle. He could feel _every_ emotion, every sensation, passing from one of them to the other.

He – they – felt _joyous_. All the fear and anxiousness forgotten, he – they – felt _euphoric_. Yet, a sadness permeated.

Why was he _sad_?

Jace started opening his eyes, while their lips finally, reluctantly, parted. They were still breathing the same electric air, and his mouth was already starting to tingle, aching at the loss of contact.

He looked up at Alec – it was strange, looking _up_ after a kiss, yet it had that very same _rightness_ to it Jace couldn’t explain to himself in that moment – and what he found there…shocked him to the core more than anything else.

Alec’s eyes were boring into his own, so intensely, so deeply, so _lovingly_ , he felt blinded by it for a second…but his expression was also one of _sorrow_. Jace thought he could see some dampness. That expression lasted no more than a blink of an eye.

After that, he was back in the reality. Jace could feel the ground under his feet again, and he could take in the uncomfortable, averting looks of their friends, of Alec’s _boyfriend_.

Knowing his face must’ve looked entirely star-struck, Jace still couldn’t bring himself to divert his attention from Alec. He felt like he should say something, _anything_ that would ease his turmoil, or give some _sense_ to what had just happened.

He was left with his mouth gaping open, however, as Alec, like from being burned, forcefully took his hands away from him and, not looking at anyone, bolted out of the room.

Nobody was moving.

“Alec!” Jace called out after him, still staring at the spot he had just vanished in.

The Queen was talking to someone, he heard something on the line of “ _You see, Shadowhunters will_ always _choose their own kind…_ ” said in such a grave tone that would’ve peaked his concern in any other circumstances, but he couldn’t _think,_ he had to get to Alec, he couldn’t just let him go away like that!

“Let him go,” tried to stop him the strained voice of Magnus.  But Jace was already halfway out of the room as he breathlessly shot back, “No, I won’t,” and followed his parabatai’s footsteps. No one else tried to stop him.

Outside, in the shadow of trees and the eerie silence of the Seelie realm, there was no one to be found.

“Alec! Alec, wait!” he tried shouting to the emptiness surrounding him.

His parabatai, the person who mattered the most to him in this world, had just revealed his deepest desire (yet _again_ ) in front of everyone, he had just kissed _him_ with such abandon, with everything he _had_ , and now all Jace could feel from his end of their bond was grief, humiliation, _desperation_ more than he’d ever felt… and he couldn’t give up until he made sure Alec was okay again.

Pushing down his own turmoil that he could feel hitching to come to the surface, Jace started to run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I totally did not just quote Avatar: the Last Airbender 02x02 "The Cave of Two Lovers"
> 
> If you're still there, feedback is totally appreciated!


	2. We are buried in broken dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The follow-up of the incident at the Seelie Court. Alec and Jace start to deal with their conflicting emotions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who liked the first chapter! Here's the second one, hope you'll like it as well :)  
> Reminder that the titles in the chapter are still verses from 'The Other Side', not in order but according to what fits best.  
> All the thanks to my beta for giving a sense to this mess!  
> I apologize in advance for the angst and for breaking some Malec hearts...  
> 

**Chapter 2**  

_**“We are buried in broken dreams.”** _

Izzy’d had a long day.

Preparing the Institute for the Cabinet that was set for the next day between local Shadowhunters and Downworlders leaders, while its Head was away on an important diplomatic mission, wasn’t a piece of cake. Not that Izzy didn’t excel in this kind of preparations, or that she was going to complain about her brother trusting her with this responsibility after all her recent…issues. It’s just that these particular issues had lowered her endurance considerably; an exhaustion deep in her bones that not even her Stamina rune could quench.

Consequently, she was now looking forward to burying herself into her bed in the hopes of catching some sleep, which had become far too elusive lately.

She hadn’t been prepared for what she found there, however.

Izzy had seen her big brother upset, grumpy, intolerable, distressed, set over the edge…but the mess she found curled up on her floor half-hidden behind her wardrobe was hardly recognizable as the person she loved most in this world.

“A-Alec? What happened?!” She immediately rushed over, panic setting on her, as she knelt in front of him and laid her hands on his shaking shoulders.

Alec was covering his face with his hands, but when he reluctantly raised his head to blindly stare at her, the blotchiness and utter despair in his features was unmistakable.

“Did – did someone –?” she stumbled to ask, her sense of dread only rising. The Seelies were a difficult species to handle…but could a diplomatic mission really have turned out that bad? She felt her stomach twist in knots as she started imagining the worst scenarios that could’ve reduced her brother in this state. “…Magnus? _Jace_? Are they –?”

“N-no…they’re – fine,” came Alec’s cracked voice, barely above a whisper.

He didn’t seem able to clarify further at her inquisitive, frantic raise of eyebrows. He simply leaned – almost _smacked_ – his head against the wall behind him, scrunching his face in anguish, breathing hard.  

Izzy felt herself tear up against her strongest will.

“I’m here, big brother, okay? Whatever happened, you know you can count on me,” she shifted next to him, letting him rest his head on her shoulder, gripping his hands. “Anything you need…”

She held him as he kept on drawing in uneven breaths, his body uncontrollably shaking as he tried to contain the sobs threatening to burst out of him. It took a while before he had calmed down enough to let out somewhat coherent words.

“The – the Seelie Queen…sneaky, that one. A real – piece of work,” was all that he managed.

“What did she do?” she asked gently, mentally adding the Queen to her permanent blacklist.

“A _test_! Or they would all die – M-Magnus, J-J-Jace and the mun–vampire. Clary and I had to choose which one we wanted to… _kiss_ the _most_ ,” he explained, laughing mirthlessly. 

“A – kiss?” Seelies sure were _creative_. “Then what is the prob–?” 

A pointed, piercing look from Alec reminded her of a very different conversation they’d had a long time ago.

“You – you kissed… _Jace_?” His lowered head was answer enough.

Of course, she had known of her brother feelings for his parabatai for a _while_ now. She knew how much he had struggled with it, how much it had plagued him. Yet, at this point in time, after all Alec had gone through, it came as a bit of a surprise…

“Alec, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think…”

“Not as _bad_?! I kissed my _parabatai_ in front of my boyfriend’s disappointed _face_! When I had thought – _really_ thought that that chapter of my life was finally _over_ , you know?” he blurted out. “That I had put an _end_ to it! I’m – I’m happy! In a relationship for the first time in my life, with a person I like a lot! And yet, why is _that_ – why can’t I _just_?!”

“Oh, Alec…”

He pulled back his hands from her hold to run them through his hair.  “After all this time, _nothing_ has changed! Why do I still have to love the only person in the world I’m literally _forbidden_ to love! And – and who would _never_ …”

“Alec, you _can’t_ beat yourself up like this over it. You can’t help–”

Alec let out another sound, like that of a trapped animal. Leaning his elbows on his knees and hiding his face in his hands again, his voice was muffled as he chanted, “Stupid – so _fucking_ stupid…” 

“Alec, no, don’t say that, you are not stupid.” She smoothly, but firmly, tried to pry his hands away from where they were clawing at his face. She waited till he looked at her thorough his bleary eyes. “You’ve had this feelings for such a long time, you can’t expect them to just go away. It’s really not been that long…it’s only _normal_ that you still have some residual feelings…”

“Residual feelings?!” his voice peaked at his sarcastic remark. “ _Residual feelings_ I could accept, even deal with! But _this_?” he pointed at himself and his current state. “If _these_ are just some _residual feelings_ –”

“Then you need to _actually_ give yourself time to move on! Not by just ignoring that part of you! Look – _look_ at me, how I tried to sweep everything under the rag in the hope it would just go away. But it wouldn’t, it kept coming back stronger and _stronger_ …”

“Then what should I _do_? How am I supposed to…?” he trailed on, unnerved.

“I would like to know as much as you, I would like _so_ much to be able to help ease your pain right now, big brother…but it’s something you have to figure out yourself.”

Alec sagged in on himself. Izzy couldn’t _see_ him like this.

“But I’ll be here for you, whenever you need me. I’m surprised you came to me so soon...but I’m glad. After how I’ve been –” she tentatively smiled at him, to see if she could spring a reaction out of him.

“Don’t mention it.” He wasn’t looking at her. His gaze was fixed on a spot in front of him, completely spent.

Izzy doubted her words could lift him up. Was _this_ what it felt being on this end? So _useless_.    

“You’ll get through this, okay?” She had to make him believe that.

Izzy went to cup his face, as a thought occurred to her. “ _How_ did the others react?”

He snorted. “I honestly don’t know. I kind of ran away. I couldn’t face them. Hell, Magnus will probably never want to see me again. And Jace will likely try to pretend nothing of importance happened…”

“You know they _love_ you, right? I’m sure they – Magnus, especially – will understand. You need to go talk to him, you’ll see!”

“I highly doubt _that_ …”

“And _Jace_! He wouldn’t want to hurt you in anyway, this won’t change anything between you two…”

“I _know_ that. Do you think I don’t know that? But right now, I don’t need…I can’t look in his eyes and see his _pity_. I can’t look at him, hear him say ‘We’re brothers, of course we love each other!’ and just be _okay_ with it…because a part of me – a part of me doesn’t _want_ to move on, do you understand?”

Izzy, sadly, did.

“I still look at him and see everything I can’t _have_.” He closed his eyes again. “All the things I tried to bury…all the things I shouldn’t be feeling, they’re all on the surface now and I _can’t_ , I don’t want to let them go just yet…I need some air.”

And just like that, he got up and started moving towards the door.

“Alec, wait!” She grabbed his arm to stop him. “Where are you going?”

“Just…out. I need to clear my head.”

Izzy went around him to look him in the eyes. “Are you sure you should be alone right now? I don’t –,” she tried to talk over his impending protest. “I don’t want you doing something stupid or...”

“Iz.” His expression softened, as he put his hands on her shoulder. “I’ll be fine.” His eyes were still red, and she remembered the sight of an unconscious Alec on the roof of Magnus’s apartment. She couldn’t be so sure about that.

“I promise,” he added firmly, seeing the concern in her eyes. “I won’t do anything stupid. Like you said…I need to figure this out on my own.”

Letting go was indeed one of the hardest things to do.

“Message me when you get back, then…please.” He nodded, and she hugged him.

Buried in her brother’s shoulder had always been one of her favorite places. He had always been her rock, like she had been his. Seeing him shaken like this, knowing how much he didn’t deserve this kind of pain in his life, hurt her more than she could say.

* * *

**_“We are knee deep without a plea”_ **

Alec wandered the streets aimlessly, as if in a daze, the sinking feeling that had set on him since the moment he had _realized,_ clawing at his insides non-stop. His sister’s comforting words had worked only for a short while, but, as the hungry tangle in his stomach slowly made its presence felt again, her advice had started to sound more and more impossible.

 _Why_ had he let Izzy see him like that in the first place?

After he had come out of the Seelie realm, not remembering in the slightest how he had got there, the sight in front of him – the lively and colorful park, the clueless passersby carelessly enjoying their everyday life – had felt so intensely separate from himself, more than it ever did. Where could he go among them, that would’ve helped him get his mind out of its feverish, panicked state?

Izzy had seemed as the most obvious, the safest answer. Izzy wouldn’t judge him, she would still love and support him, no matter how much he actually deserved it…feeling embarrassed in front of her was needless at this point. She had been there for him in this mess from the start, and he couldn’t help but hope she would be able to give _some_ sense to the chaos around and within him.

He _had_ felt, marginally, better, knowing that there was at least one person in his life he hadn’t irremediably disappointed and driven away. Nonetheless, he had already known she couldn’t do more than hold – or try to hold – his pieces together. The situation didn’t change.

Cause how could burying all that had resurfaced, which had caused all of _this_ , be anything but _good_?

So, there he was now, desperately trying to forget, yet incapable of tuning out the memories that were still so fresh and _vivid_ in his mind, as he barely noticed the roads he was taking or the people he passed, invisible and unnoticed. Like he had wished all his life to be as it came to the very thing that had just been _shoved_ in his face that day…

Closing his eyes was a mistake. He could still see the scene, as clearly as it had happened, replaying in his head over and over again.

How the _thought_ hadn’t even crossed his mind until it was too late…

How he had stood there, frozen, as a wave of all the feelings he had tried to repress and ignore all his life had come crushing down on him with a vengeance, smirking cruelly at him, making him realize exactly what he had to do…

How he had felt disgusted by himself when that hideous part of him _rose_ to the occasion, claiming **_yes, take this moment, your one and only chance,_ **_**make it** **worth it** _ (and he had, by the Angel, he _had_ ), and, beyond all the humiliation, he had felt this _fire_ inside of him, burning him with the strength to cross the distance and…kiss Jace. _Really_ kiss him.

 _That_ memory now made him want to just dig a hole and bury himself in it, away from the wrongness of how… _right_ it had felt. The rough yet smooth skin on Jace’s face as he reverently held it in his hands…the way their mouths had just _fit_ together, the taste, the friction, the sensation of it still making him dizzy. He had lost himself to the moment completely, everything else be _damned_.

And Jace, Jace had kissed him _back,_ he had opened his mouth to him and held him close like a lover would… which didn’t mean much, Alec told himself. There wasn’t much else Jace could’ve done in that moment, as well as the fact that he probably wouldn’t have wanted to hurt Alec’s feelings. He must’ve felt nauseated by it, by _him_ ; he just would never admit it to his face. He would be the one, if nobody else, to want to spare Alec that kind of humiliation.

Alec repeated this to himself as if he cared if Jace had or hadn’t liked the kiss; the first option was both impossible and something that wouldn’t change anything; the second was only reasonable. Letting himself fall into a _biggest_ fantasy that he was living in would be his second biggest mistake of the day.

So why was he still doing it, knowing it would cause him only so much more pain when he had to start letting go of these _feelings_ again? He should be doing it already…not thinking about them, not indulging in them, trying instead to fix the mess he had just made. That was the _right_ thing to do.

But one moment held him back, a moment that had stuck with him more than anything else.

When he had opened his eyes as they let each other go, the face in front of him – with those mismatched, unfairly _beautiful_ eyes staring right back at him, the swollen mouth that _he_ had just kissed – had blinded Alec to the point where he could feel himself _bleed out_ of all the… _love_ he had inside _._ The knowledge that he would now have to lose _that_ forever had caused a lump to form in his throat, that he had unsuccessfully tried to swallow down.

How could that be _fixed_? How could he face Magnus when he still tasted Jace on his lips and would like to taste him again (and _again_ )? How could he pretend that hadn’t meant anything, when he could feel the opposite deep in his entire _being_?

Magnus would know the truth, as the Seelie Queen had done. Clearly, his deepest, most secret shame was _marked_ on him like a constantly burning rune, its heat slowly consuming him from the inside-out.

And yet – what would dwell on these feelings _bring_ to? Only more delusions and disappointment. He had known from that start, back when he had chosen to step into the circle of fire with Jace, that he would only end up hurting more people as well as himself.

His future was with _Magnus_ , who he still honestly cared about and with whom he was building a solid relationship that he truly enjoyed. That should be his priority. If he lost that, he would’ve lost something good for _nothing_.

He would figure out a way to look Jace in the eyes again later…he would figure out how to forget him again later.

* * *

**_“I don’t want to know what it’s like to live without you”_ **

Jace ran all the way back to the Institute, his companions far behind him, yet he still couldn’t catch up with Alec. Once home, he frantically searched for him in all his usual spots where he would go to hide: his room, the rooftop, a few backdoor corridors or empty rooms…he still couldn’t find him. He then turned to his last resort.

“Izzy! Have you seen Alec?” he asked, breathless, as soon as she opened her door.

“Hello to you, too,” she shot back, an eyebrow raised. By her worried look, by the way she took him in – with a hesitant, curious expression – Jace knew that she had seen her brother.

“Is he there with you? I really – _really_ need to talk to him. I don’t know how much he told you…”

“He’s not here, he left a while back. And he told me enough.” Her tone was guarded, yet sympathetic.

“Do you know where–?”

“Listen, Jace,” she interrupted him, widening her door a bit more. “I think you should let him be for now.”

He blinked at her words. “Let him _be_? He must probably be feeling so _bad_ about things he can’t control right now, he _has_ to know it doesn’t change anything! Or that I – “

These thoughts had plagued him since he had seen Alec run away. His parabatai driving himself crazy over the entire thing, as if he was to blame, doing something stupid to make up for it or _something_ …and the turmoil of emotions that had been coming his way from their shared bond didn’t reassure him one bit.

Jace _had_ to find him. Tell him that he would always be by his side, that he didn’t have to feel ashamed about his feelings…he had known for a while now, and he had never stopped thinking the world of his parabatai. He _had_ , admittedly, thought that they had more or less gone away, considering how happy he had been lately, with Magnus. And they _had_ also never explicitly talked about it. Still, nothing had to change. They were _parabatai_ , by the Angel, and they had been through much worse!

Yet, two piercing eyes at the back of his mind – staring into his soul, all the depth of the emotions in them openly shining through – put a nagging thought in him. How could things stay the same after witnessing, being at the receiving _end_ of, the exact intensity of Alec’s _love_ for him? He felt an ache in his stomach at just the thought.

“That’s exactly part of the problem, Jace,” Izzy cut in, stern, but not unkind. “He just – he needs _space_. To let what happened go, to let _you_ go…he doesn’t need to know what he already does right now. His feelings…are not just something you can accept and move on from. You…they are a real _burden_ to him! And he can’t deal with it if you’re always there, unaffected by all of it.”

“You think…I’m unaffected?”

To think that what he saw as his way of _unburdening_ his parabatai could be perceived as him being unconcerned, as if he hadn’t as much at stake in their relationship, made him uncharacteristically _angry_ at Izzy.

“I _know_ that this is difficult for him! But I can’t just let him deal with this alone, not when I hurt when he hurts, not when it can drive a wedge between us…forever!” He swallowed hard at that.

“I _hear_ you, Jace.” She put a hand on his shoulder, ignoring his troubled expression. “But if you try to push in, he’ll only push you back _further_. I’m not saying for much time, but I really think it’s better you left him alone…only until he’s ready to come back to you.” She smiled encouragingly at him, and Jace sighed, his anger fading, resigning to her logic.

Another thing he absolutely didn’t want was overstepping his parabatai’s needs. 

“Just tell me – how was he exactly?” he couldn’t stop himself from asking,

Izzy’s smile turned into a sad frown, which told him more than she could say. “Go rest for a while, okay? You look like you need it.”

Jace could only nod and bid her goodnight.

Going to sleep turned out to be more difficult than Jace expected…or _as_ he expected.

Even though at some point, the whirlwind of distressing emotions coming from his parabatai had settled into a subduing _sadness_ , which meant Alec had at least calmed himself enough to not be overwhelmed anymore, Jace still felt worry tightening his stomach. He kept wondering where Alec was, if he had come back, wishing he could go check and talk to him if he was there, but not _daring to_ , not after his conversation with Izzy.

Thus, he was left on his own, and he tossed and turned in his bed, trying to find a comfortable position, when really all he needed was to stop _thinking_.

Cause now that the immediate problem could not be addressed, and the intensity of the initial humiliation, shock and panic had subsided, Jace had no more excuses to block his _own_ whirlwind of emotions.

The fact of the matter stayed that Alec had _kissed_ him and he…hadn’t disliked it. Which was a euphemism. He had genuinely…actively… _enjoyed_ it. 

Of all the years he had grown to know and love Alec, something like _this_ had never occurred to him.

He remembered that time, a few years back, when he had first realized that what Alec felt for him was not entirely brotherly. He had been surprised, but it hadn’t seemed to him like that big of a deal. Sure, that kind of feelings were forbidden for parabatai, but he had personally thought it was only _normal_ to have them. He and Alec were closer than most, so what if Alec had wished they were even closer? He had felt the same for many of the women he had been with. He knew pleasure, he understood sex, he couldn’t very well blame Alec for wanting the same for himself.

But Jace had never really understood anything. His flings had been just that…nothing that seriously mattered to him, nothing that could go against his _father_ ’s teachings.

_To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed._

No matter how much he hated to admit it now, Valentine had had that much influence in his life, in his choices, that even now it was hard to let those beliefs go, after they had been ingrained in him so _deeply_.

Until Clary, he hadn’t _dared_ to let himself feel anything that resembled love, anything that could _weaken_ him or the other person involved. 

Except, that he _had_. He had loved – still loved – someone more than he ever did anybody else. And that person had always been Alec.

When he had first arrived in New York, he had felt himself grow attached to that kid who had welcomed him with a shy smile and an awed look. And he had let him in, he had let _Alec_ see him at his most vulnerable, and in turn Alec had done the same to him. His affection for him eventually arrived at a point where Jace felt like he never would’ve wanted to be parted from Alec, ever. And that had driven him into a panic.

Remembering his pet falcon, the same fear he felt back when he still lived with his father had took ahold of him again. He was letting himself be _weak_ , when all he was supposed to do was train to become the best warrior in existence…and that was when it had occurred to him.

_Parabatai draw strength from each other and are the best in battle._

It had been the best, the _only_ acceptable solution to turn around that fatal flaw in his life, and Jace had never looked back.

That was how it had always been: on one end, his bond with Alec, the deepest and most sacred thing in his life; on the other, the concept of ‘love’ he attempted with other people, but that had never really done anything for him. Or that only ended up in disappointment, like with Clary. Those were two things so separate and distinct, _irreconcilable_ in his mind, that having them suddenly _collide_ …had thrown him entirely out of the loop. He felt _unhinged_ , his entire world turned irreversibly upside down. 

Cause what if all this time…what if it had always been…what if he had unknowingly but consciously misinterpreted _, masked_ his feelings, especially from himself, to try and put them in a box his father, if not approve, would _accept_ …what if he had put Alec, and himself, through all of this, because he had let _Valentine,_ and his fear of him and his judgment _,_ rule his life…

Cause the truth was, he was now a _burden_ to Alec.

He knew that wasn’t exactly what Izzy had meant, but knowing to be the reason of his parabatai’s distress hurt him _profoundly_. _Feeling_ that their closeness brought him such pain was reason to doubt anything Jace held dear. Questioning if it might stem all from his own cowardice made him feel _sick_ with himself.

In the end, the only thing he was certain of in those last moments before losing consciousness, swimming in a sea of burning eyes and warm lips, was that he couldn’t, _wouldn’t_ lose Alec.

* * *

**_“Did we ever see it coming?”_ **

It was late in the night, far too late for a visit to be polite, yet Alec couldn’t wait till the morning.

The door opened on its own after only a few knocks. He had thought he would have to beg his way in.

Magnus was on the other side, dressed for the night, a drink in hand Alec already felt guilty about, and a guarded expression on his face. He regarded him as Alec entered, nodding to himself.

“Magnus…” Alec started, a strain in his voice. He didn’t know how to finish. There were no words true enough, beside the truth…and that wasn’t acceptable. “I’m so, _so sorry_. I–”

“Don’t,” Magnus interrupted him, smiling at him.

Wait, _what_?

“There is no need for apologies.”

That was the last thing Alec had expected to hear. “But…”

“It was…a blow, for all of us,” his boyfriend continued, undeterred. “Especially you, I see.”

Alec felt far too conscious about his swollen face and shabby attire, but he couldn’t care about himself in that moment.

“It was a _blow_ , but not a shock,” Magnus went on. “Or it shouldn’t have been a shock, you figure? This was the first thing I ever knew about you, beside that you were a good shot,” he hinted at a smirk.

The incident with the memory demon had also been burned into Alec’s mind and soul for all eternity, like this one would be. He didn’t need the reminder. He could painfully see the relevance, however.

“And we all forgot, didn’t we?” Magnus let out a light, bitter chuckle. “But I _know_ , better than most at least, how people and the feelings you have – or _had –_ for them, have the tendency to come back when you least expect it. What matters is how we deal with it.”

Alec took that as his clue. “I know! And I will - this will all be forgotten again, I promise. I – I might still feel something for Jace, but I _honestly_ , genuinely care about _you_ and I want this to continue…”

Magnus smiled again, and there was something sad in his smile.

“Is that really all it is? You ‘feel something’?” he put in, raising an eyebrow.

Alec was left gaping for words, in the desperate search for the right way to explain himself.

“Alexander…”

“Wait! You need to listen, okay, I–”

“Alexander…you don’t have to explain what you feel to me, and you don’t have to _forget_ about it. It’s important that we don’t fool each other.”

“I’m not _fooling_ you…”

Magnus came forward, snapping his drink away, and put his hands gently on his shoulders. Alec felt like he was living a fever dream.

“I know you aren’t, I’m not saying that. I’m _saying_ that what happened today has shown that _both_ of us have things we must deal with on our own. Both of our pasts have been brought up to us again in the most unpleasant of ways…and it’s neither of our faults. Seriously, Alexander, I don’t want you to blame yourself for what happened.”

Alec didn’t know about that. He didn’t know what to think either, what to _feel_. Should he be relieved? Magnus wasn’t mad at him. But his words…sounded final.

Was he ready to lose Magnus? Could Alec fight for his relationship? _Should_ he? Did he _want_ to fight for it? He had worked so hard to have it, and yet…

Not knowing the answer to either of those questions kind of made the next words simpler to accept.

“Trying to move on from someone with someone else…I’m afraid, it doesn’t really work. All the people involved often end up getting hurt…” Alec lowered his eyes in shame. “And it’s not fair to anyone. Alexander, look at me.”

Alec reluctantly complied. Magnus’s eyes were genuinely full of affection as he looked up at him, and Alec had genuinely grown to love him. Why couldn’t that had been _enough_?

“This is not goodbye…or it isn’t, _necessarily_. We’ll still see each other, won’t we? Shadowhunters-Downworlders meetings? And you can always ask for my help, you know that…I might not answer every time, but I’ll always be the High Warlock of Brooklyn and you the Head of the New York Institute. And I’ll always care for you. But I really think we need to take some time apart…and what do you know? If it’s meant to happen, we might find each other again.”

Alec closed his eyes then, as Magnus hugged him. What _did_ they know, indeed?

It was pointless, to say the least, trying to filter all that he was feeling, as he morosely made his way back to the Institute. He had nothing more to do than resign himself to the cloud of foggy, grey sadness so eager to take ahold of his heart. He didn’t think it would ever go away. 

 _So, what now?_ He couldn’t refrain from asking himself.  

Funny, how things worked. If he had known that he would have to face the biggest humiliation of his life, fulfill his deepest desire and lose his boyfriend all in the same day, with one swift move…would the outcome have changed?

Doubting he would like the answer, knowing his miserable, pathetic self had everything coming for him, he mentally prepared himself for the next day when the Cabinet with the Downworlders would take place. It would be a feat in and on itself, but most of all he would have to do his job and act _normal_ all while trying not to instantly implode at the sight of the people who _knew_.

Jace would be there running security…and Alec still didn’t know how to face him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is still appreciated!


	3. I don't want to lose part of me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of the Shadowhunters-Downworlders Cabinet is here, and Alec and Jace must maneuver through it despite their internal turmoil and the divide between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is here! This has some of my favorite parts in it, hope you all will like it, and thank you so much to all the people who kudo'd and commeted it :)  
> And thanks to my beta rebelqueens <3  
> p.s. there really isn't that much plot like the summary would make you think, it's all angst  
> p.p.s. there is some sexual content in the chapter  
> Enjoy!

**Chapter 3**  

**_“Will we ever let it go?”_ **

It was one of the longest days of Jace’s life.

He did his part, he kept his distance, and it was _hell_. And he had been through hell multiple times.

Ever since he spent some time on Valentine’s ship, where he had been cut off from everything and everyone he loved, he had hoped he would never have to experience that same loneliness again. The same _distance_ , especially from his _parabatai_. Being away from him, not being able to _feel_ him, had left him, at the time, completely adrift in the middle of all the madness he had plunged into. A sensation that had subsided only when he had Alec in his arms again and they had been _whole_ again, a new parabatai ritual rekindling their weakened bond. He had sworn he wasn’t to be part from him again, be by his own doing or by others’.

Yet here he was.

It wasn’t the physical distance, per se. It was _that_ distance, plus knowing that it could lead to a more permanent, inexorable drift from which their bond could never be recovered. He knew, vaguely, that had happened to Robert and his old parabatai, the one Jace had thought was his father, Michael Wayland. He didn’t know the reason or, really, much else of what their bond had been, but Jace knew for a fact that he wouldn’t survive a severing of his to Alec. He just wouldn’t.

So, as well as having to block the curious and inquisitive looks coming from Clary, who repeatedly tried to _talk_ to him about what had happened when he didn’t feel ready in the least, Jace forced himself to observe Alec all day only from afar, as he gave out orders, prepared the Institute for their imminent guests, and welcomed them with a secure handshake and a warm smile. The turmoil of the day before seemingly forgotten…but of course, Jace knew better. A sinking, gripping feeling always filled the space that separated them, like an unwelcome, invisible and persistent third party.

At some point in the early morning, his and Alec's paths had accidentally crossed. Jace was coming from the piano room, where he had unsuccessfully tried to put out _something_ of what he was feeling through his playing, when Alec had rounded the corner. There was no one else around.

It lasted a few seconds, them locking eyes, taking in who was in front of them, the abyss in between them threatening to spill out right there and then…then Alec had drawn in a harsh breath, turned around and darted away, leaving Jace rooted on the spot.

Jace had taken his leave – he would only be necessary as security guard for the actual Cabinet –  and went to blow off some steam.

It was like that, furiously punching and kicking his frustrations on a bag, that Izzy, in training attire as well, found him.

He ignored her at first, as she took him in.

“Careful with that bag, I have my own stuff I’d like to unload on it,” she said cheekily, however Jace could sense a weariness in her.

Her words made him draw a last punch and rest his forehead on the bag.

Izzy’s whole ordeal was still new to him, hard to include in his idea of her, to the aura of confidence she had always presented herself with. She was like a sister to him, and he hadn’t noticed _anything_.

“I bet,” he replied, unable to mask the worry in his voice, as he turned towards her. “It must be a lot. I hope that you’re still feeling better? I’m – sorry, if I wasn’t there for you…I–”

“Don’t even mention it, Jace,” she cut in. “It wasn’t your fault at all. I tried my best to hide it, I wasn’t really ready to tell anyone…”

“But you told Alec,” he said more like a question. He couldn’t escape the way his voice slightly wavered at the name. Izzy obviously noticed that, giving him a raise of eyebrows and a pointed look he promptly averted.

“Actually, he kind of found me…in a compromising position.” She lowered her gaze, swallowing hard, not elaborating further. He could understand; disappointing Alec was also his current nightmare. “But this is not what we’re here for, is it?” she went on. “C’mon…let’s spar.”

It was exactly what Jace needed. If his body moved hard enough, if he had to think about his next move, he wouldn’t have to hold on onto his _other_ thoughts. Or at least he would’ve…if he hadn’t known Izzy had probably already talked to Alec this morning, and he couldn’t just let _go_ of that information.

“So…,” he started casually, avoiding her first punch. “How – how was he this morning?”

“I thought we would only spar,” she said, punctuating her comment with another move he had to avoid. At his begging look, however, she continued with a sigh, “He refuses to say much, so on this front he’s more or less back to normal…and yes, of course I know he’s faking it, who do you think I am?” She added at his doubtful look. “But it’s how I told you yesterday. He needs time. Plus, he has important business on his mind today, he can’t have _any_ distraction, you understand?”

Of course, he did, and he let out an affirmative, if frustrated, sound, as he went on to try and knock Izzy off her feet. She avoided his kick with a backflip, immediately launching for him again. He was glad she at least seemed to have gotten her groove back.

Finding himself with his ass on the floor still took Jace by surprise, however. _What the hell?_

“Oh, so you’re _really_ out of it. Is this the great Jace _Herondale_?” She smirked at him.

“Shut up.” He got up, now even more frustrated with himself.

“But really…how was it?” she asked, her smirk widening even more.

“How was _what_?” He didn’t like where this conversation was going.

“I mean, c’mon,” she went on, after they started circling each other. “If it’s got everyone so shook over it, was it at least a _good_ _kiss_?”

“Wha–?! Tsk, what are…that is…completely beside the point!” His voice was not high pitched, it was _not_. How could Izzy be making light of this situation right now, honestly!

“By the _Angel_. It _was_ , wasn’t it?” She was even _giggling_ now!  “That’s why you’ve got your knickers in such a _twist_. Have you really got the hots for my dear brother now?”

“That’s ridiculous! And – and _wrong_! Seriously, where do you even take these things, I don’t have the hots for–”

“You’re _blushing_ ,” she noted smugly, as if it made it final. And it definitely did not!

 _He_ was definitely not blushing! “We’re sparring! And what are we, _twelve_ now?!” 

“C’mon, we always used to kiss and tell…what’s the difference now?”

“You _know_ what the difference is! It wasn’t really…and okay, _fine_! It wasn’t a _bad_ kiss! I have kissed many people in my life, I can appreciate a kiss! But, it’s _Alec_ …and, you know, I’m _not_ …” he didn’t know why he felt the need to go on such a spree like that, when he could sense Izzy not believing a word he said, as well as he himself not really listening to a word he was saying. “You know what? Forget about it, I need to go take a shower.”

And he stormed off.

The cooling, calming water of the shower was what Jace _really_ needed. He could already tell the ease he would feel at having the fire that had been slowly consuming him this past day, be finally put to rest. Or so he thought.

Entering the shower, putting his head under the open faucet, closing his eyes, was bliss…for a few seconds. Then he opened his eyes…and found a very naked Alec right in the shower with him. He had a determined, piercing look in his eyes as he gradually, leisurely made his way towards him, and Jace's stomach dropped in anticipation. Cupping his neck with his hands, Alec pulled him into a kiss.   

Jace wasted no time trying to wrap his head around what was happening, or pretending to not want to respond. A rising, burning _hunger_ immediately took ahold of him, and he kissed him back with a fervor that would have surprised him, if hadn’t just lost the ability to form a coherent thought. As he put his own hands around Alec, holding on as tight as he could to his muscular shoulders, till he was literally _clawing_ at his back, the fire inside of him roared back to life ten times more ardently.

He needed to feel _more_ , he needed to feel _everything_. He opened his mouth with a sigh, and the taste of their tongues meeting was the most enthralling thing he had ever experienced.

He was sucking on Alec’s tongue as Alec _pushed_ him against the shower wall. He felt the aftershock of that contact, as well as the new, better way in which they were now pressed against each other, all _over_ his body like an electric shock. And all he could think about was, _yes, this, more of this_.

His hands couldn’t stop wondering, the feel of that taut and towering body, so different, so _perfect_ , moving delightfully against his made him want to _own_ it all. His lips were starting to hurt in the best way possible from the way they collided with such intensity against Alec’s, and then Alec _bit_ them. He felt an embarrassingly loud moan burst out of him at that, feeling  _wrecked_ to his core. Alec had to make it even worse by starting to make his way with his mouth all the way down his neck. They were both sweating now, positively _panting_ , and the friction between them was causing a new kind of heat start to mount in him.

Jace felt like combusting right there and then. 

And he did, as the abrupt, all-encompassing waves of an orgasm plastered him against the wall, making him weak in the knees…at the same time that he heard the pounding of the door come like the sound of thunder, followed by the muffled voice of Izzy. “Jace, are you done yet?”

He bit his tongue, _hard_ , to muffle his scream, and, just like that, he was back to reality.

Opening his eyes, he found himself under the now-freezing water, alone, mouth agape, spilling himself on the tiles. If the wall hadn’t been there to support him, he would’ve crumbled under his own weight.

Removing his hand from around himself, Jace had to slow down his breathing before he could hoarsely shout back, “Almost done!”

As he heard Izzy's footsteps fade away, he let out a deep sigh. He smacked the back of his head painfully against the wall, the taste of blood in his mouth, as the phantom sensations of his dream came back to him making him literally _whine_. He closed his eyes.

 _Fuck_.

After that, he wished to keep his distance as much as Alec did. Not that it stopped the _longing_ he felt, like for a missing limb he didn’t have. The rush of blood that started rising to his face at the mere sight of him made only his _resolve_ firmer.

The rest of the day passed in a daze, punctuated only by the panic at having Valentine’s cell be breached. Thankfully, it had been by someone who didn’t want to let him _loose_ , but rather _kill_ him; still, the Clave’s orders were clear and Valentine, sadly, got to live another day.

Jace had been called from his post by Sebastian with the pressing news, and they had urgently gone to retrieve Alec, sitting at his meeting. Jace had felt like he was living outside of his body the entire time they had to solve the situation side by side. He looked at Alec but he didn’t really _see_ him, he talked to him and forgot what he had just said to him. Alec having Luke go free for his betrayal was the only thing Jace could later remember, because he had felt very proud of his parabatai in that moment. He had even smiled at him, but Alec didn’t look him in the eyes, not even once. He was probably living outside of his body too.

When everything calmed down and the meeting ended, Jace was left free to his devices. And he didn’t know what to do with himself. The roof was as good a place as any to mope in peace, but he feared Alec would have the same idea.

_Is this our life now?_

Back in his room, Jace hoped he could just go to sleep and forget the entire day had ever happened for the second night in a row.

Except that he couldn’t forget, he couldn’t even lay down in bed, he couldn’t just _take_  this situation to go on. How many more days was he expected to give him _space_?? He couldn’t accept that.

Despite all the fear, the confusion, the insecurity he felt inside and his own reluctance at the thought of having to _deal_ with what was going on with him, with _them_ …Jace went out of the door to go look for Alec in whichever hole he had hidden himself away.

 _This is ending_ now _._

He went to Alec's room first, which was unsurprisingly empty. Not wanting to repeat the stint of last night, Jace decided he would track him, and he took a shirt out of Alec’s closet.

Alec didn’t seem to be trying to block him out, maybe because he thought he wouldn’t need it, so Jace found his location straight away. He wasn’t in the Institute – he had probably gone out soon after the end of the Cabinet. Jace went out as well.

He reached him on a generic rooftop of one of the tallest buildings in the city, of all places. He climbed up there, and he spotted Alec leaning against the railing, his back turned towards him, as soon as he landed on the floor. He saw him stiffen, but his parabatai didn’t move further.

Slowly, now subdued at the sight of that arched back, Jace made his way towards him, leaning on the railing as well, right beside him. They both stared down in silence for what seemed like an eternity, not a sound to be heard so far up in the sky. The silent buzz of repressed emotions flowing between them was instead as loud as Jace’s furiously beating heart.

Eventually, he couldn’t bear it anymore.

* * *

  ** _“I don't want to leave here without you_**

**_I don't want to lose part of me”_ **

“ _Please_ , Alec…you can’t shut me out forever.”

He knew it was coming, yet Alec didn’t feel prepared enough for when it _came_. It seemed unavoidable, but he still, _still_ , couldn’t face Jace.

After a sleepless night spent staring at the ceiling of his bedroom, after a busy day having to be  _impeccable_ in every way _–_ calm and collected, professional towards all of his Downworlders guests, including his now _ex_ -boyfriend, and firm on his decisions – that same whirlwind that had been awakened in him the day before hadn’t left him alone for one second. He felt like a ship caught in a hurricane, unable to get out of it, unable to turn back, and completely incapable of dealing with its impetuousness.

Only the _sight_ of Jace had been enough to rattle him. He had found himself more than once at a loss of words, his thoughts entirely wiped clean by a blond head passing by, or by a pair of mismatched eyes locking with his at a distance…and Jace had been staring at him from afar almost the _entire_ day, if the constant tingling at the back of his head was enough to go by.

And Jace hadn’t even been the only person he was trying to avoid. Clary as well, primary witness of his shame, he had turned away at the sight of, especially when she had been trying to reach him, surely to _talk_ about his feelings. Izzy’s concerned caring had also been hard to bear, a constant _reminder_ , yet he couldn’t have done without her. Her unconditional support throughout the day had been the only thing keeping him afloat. Especially when he had had to welcome the guests, to shake hands with _Magnus_ , all while managing a fickle smile at the same time that his heart _bled_. For Magnus’s heartbreak, for his own, for the weight of his _wrongness_ only ever hurting the people around him.

Was that what being a juggler felt like? It was _hell._

At the end of the evening, after averting the Luke disaster and disbanding the first Shadowhunters-Downworlders Cabinet successfully enough, he had deflated like a balloon. Going into his room, he had found he couldn’t _breathe_ in there. He didn’t deserve all the luxury surrounding him, exactly like he wasn’t _worthy_ of being put in charge. How had he ever tought possible he could be? He was a _scam_. He tried to uphold a Law he had so blatantly wanted to break all along. Now that he had actually broken it, if more people found out…they would _sneer_ at him far more than they already did. Maybe he should turn himself in, be exiled, just _severe_ that bond he was plaguing with his mere existence…Jace would finally be free of him, untarnished at last.

He didn’t recall how he had found his way to the place he was now. He wasn’t exactly sure where he was. The roof of the Institute had just seemed not high, or isolated, _enough_. So, he had taken to the city like an animal looking for a den.

 _Of course, Jace would find me_. He shouldn’t have been that surprised at hearing him climb up. Jace was too stubborn for his own good, just as he was. They would have been capable of continuing this dance, with Alec keeping his distance and Jace wanting to reduce it, forever, if someone didn’t just give in. And Alec was already _tired_.

Yet, the thought of looking Jace in the eyes and not immediately wish the ground would swallow him whole, seemed impossible, no less that it had been that morning, when the form of Jace appearing in front of him in an empty corridor had driven him into a full-blown panic. If only his heart hadn’t skipped a beat at the mere sight of him, if only gazing at him hadn’t reminded him of when their faces were much closer…that were all reasons he still couldn’t face him, especially now that they were completely alone. Nothing to distract them, no excuse to get away. Alec felt _trapped_.   

“Whatever it is you’re thinking now – _please_ , my parabatai, I assure you, it’s _okay_. We’ll be _okay_ …” came Jace’s tense voice for a second time.

That _word,_ apparently _,_ was enough to set Alec off.

“O _kay_? You say it’s all _okay_?” his voice felt low and dangerous even to his own ears, as he impulsively rounded on Jace. Why did they always end up fighting this way?

Jace was taken aback, but his surprise turned immediately into a resolute frown. “ _Yes_. I can repeat this all the times you want. If you need me to talk to Magnus, I will! You don’t have to lose your peace of mind, or _anything_ over–”

A bitter laugh he couldn’t contain burst out of Alec. “ _Magnus_? Him and I have already broken up.”

“What?” Jace looked stricken. “Wait, I’m sure if I just talked to him–”

Alec was furiously shaking his head. “To tell him what?! And it wouldn’t make a difference, don’t you understand?! There is nothing _okay_ about any of this!”

“Yes, it _is_ , if you just _listened_ to me–”

“No, _you_ listen to me, Jace.” Something in his eyes must have reached him, cause Jace actually shut up, a vulnerability making its way on his overworked face. “I can’t be with someone who’s not my first _choice_. It’s just not _fair,_ not to him, not to anyone! Listen, I – I don’t know how much you thought you knew, or what you think you know _now_ , but…”

Was he really doing this? Was he really going to let everything out in the open, after all this time? Was he going to lay himself _bare_ in front of Jace, with nothing left to hide?

If he wanted Jace to finally understand, he had no other choice. The thought didn’t make it any _easier_. The consequences wouldn’t be any less _harsh_.

Alec tried to swallow down his nerves anyway.

The silence was deafening.

“I – I  _love_  you." He was saying those words to him out loud for the first time in his life…and it couldn’t be further away from a happy circumstance. "I have been _in_ love with you…even before I knew what love actually _is_. It’s been almost ten years! And I tried – I _tried_ to just get over it. I thought it was nothing much at first...but then every time you, you looked at me, or _smiled_ at me, or – and all the time we spent together, the more I knew you, the more I – and I _knew_ it would never be like that, that you would _never_ …Yet, I could never let _go_. When you asked me to become parabatai, I was…disappointed, to say the least.”

He chuckled, with no mirth in him. His words were so jumbled, coming out of him one after the other so senselessly, as his eyes frantically darted back and forth from Jace, unable to choose one destination. Alec was sure he must’ve been a pathetic sight to behold. He couldn’t recognize the kind of sensations he felt coming from Jace, however...they were so linked with his own that he couldn’t tell anything apart beside the ringing in his ears.

“But I still…accepted, cause if I couldn’t have you like I wanted, at least I could be as close to you as it was possible, as _you_ wanted…and I thought, I thought the parabatai bond would make me see the light, would just erase what else I felt. But it didn’t work, obviously, _obviously._ And all this time, because I couldn’t let go of you, I let our bond be _tainted_ by me, by my lies, by my _deception_! And you – you can’t just say it’s _okay_! I was _selfish_ , and I was _wrong_! You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve to have me implicate you like this. And I am _sorry_ , I’m _so_ sorry, you’re the last person I ever wanted to hurt…but I’m afraid no apology could ever be enough, I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I just _don’t_.”

It was over. He had said it all. He knew his voice had started cracking at the end, but it didn’t matter much at that point. It was done.

He leaned heavily on the parapet beside him, lowering his head as he felt too drained to keep it upright any longer, preparing himself to just go away; Jace only needed to give him the word.

But it never came.

Instead he felt a light, tentative touch on his right arm and he was gently spun around to face Jace again. Was it pity, he saw in his eyes? It must’ve been. His expression was far too soft, not anything Alec deserved, or that he had been expecting. Was this another fever-dream situation?

“Do you remember when I first got to the Institute?” said Jace, almost in a whisper, a strange emotion spilling from his voice. Alec felt incapable of moving even a muscle on his face, so Jace just continued.

“I used to find all these places to hide, where I could go cry without being seen, and you always ended up finding me. You never went away when I told you to, you just kept…stubbornly staying by my side until I stopped. And you never said anything, you were just _there_. Then when I had had a nightmare at night, you let me stay in your room. You never complained, you always welcomed me without any condition. I can say that you were the first person to ever love me _unconditionally_ , without deception, without gain, you just _did_. And I grew to love you, too, like I had never loved anyone, not even my father.”

Alec knew all that. He had always known what a piece of shit Jace’s ‘’father’’ was, how badly he had treated him. Knowing it was Valentine now made it worse, but it had always been _bad_. When Jace had come to the Institute, all confidence, all endearing arrogance, Alec had known there was something profoundly _sad_ about him from the start. The fact that he never let anyone see the most vulnerable, broken parts of him, especially to his new carers, had only made Alec firmer in his decision to be _let in_. He would be there for Jace whether he liked it or not.

He had never regretted that decision. He never would.

It was still entirely far away from the _point_ , and Jace’s description of what he had done was entirely not as admirable as he put it. Hadn’t he listened to what he had just said? Alec _knew_ Jace genuinely loved him, but a love that was _pure_ and untainted, unlike his. Jace had nothing to say to him that would make things alright for him. He would’ve told him that, he wanted to stop Jace’s words…but he decided to just listen, like Jace had just done to him.

Plus, he still felt frozen in place. He was staring intently at Jace, who wasn’t meeting his eyes. That was freeing, in a way…he could take all of him in as best as he could, until he still could.

“And that’s when I got _scared_. I was growing attached to you,” Jace went on, while Alec felt the sudden need to _squeeze_ all that pain out of his voice, “more than I was _supposed_ to. You know about the falcon…I was supposed to train it, not to _love_ it. I was just supposed to train with you, not start to rely on you, or make myself _dependent_ of you, or – or want to be close to you. But I couldn’t _let go of you_ _too_ , _Alec_.”

Jace looked straight at him, and the fire and sorrow and _affection_ he saw there took Alec’s breath away, his heart clenching painfully in his chest, a pain that he _welcomed_. “That’s why I came up with the parabatai bond! I wanted to be as close to you as I thought I could without making myself weak. I could be _stronger_ with you, I could have a legitimate reason to be near you, and, honestly, even if I’d known about how you felt back then, I wouldn’t have given a _shit_. I wouldn’t have let anything and anyone, not even _you_ , keep me away from you. _I_ was selfish! Because of my issues I kept you close to me, causing you so much pain, and I didn’t even notice! So, if _you_ are guilty of tainting our bond, then so am _I_ , do you understand?”

“Jace, that’s not the _sam_ -”

“ _No_ , Alec. I’m serious.” Jace put both of his hands on his arms. “What I’m saying is that we _both_ wanted each other, and if what I felt was good, then so was what you felt. No kind of love is a deception! You haven’t done anything wrong, you’ve never _hurt_ me for this! And if you’re afraid of losing me over it, _don’t_ be. I will never, _ever_ turn my back on you. You are the other half of my soul, you hear me? And we’re _clearly_ made for each other,” he finished with a joke, smiling crookedly at him.

Alec couldn't even blink.

...was it _wrong_ of him to want to just accept what his parabatai was offering him? To take his forgiveness, his love and his friendship, no matter that Alec still felt totally undeserving of it? What would it say of him if he just _didn’t_ try to change Jace’s mind or to negate fiercely that anything Jace did could ever be considered selfish?

His internal war with himself must have showed, cause Jace went to hold his neck by the nape, as he stared even more intently at him. “Don’t you even dare. No matter what you think, or say, I won’t let you go.” 

And when could he ever deny Jace anything?

Alec didn’t know if he was supposed to laugh or cry as Jace hugged him tightly to himself. As he buried his face in the crook of Jace's neck, he resolved to both. 

 _Home_ , was what he always thought when he was in Jace’s arms. It always felt like a small blessing to be able to have at least _this_. Jace didn't hug anyone like he hugged _him_. And Alec savored it now more than ever, as he closed his eyes and breathed in for what felt like the first time in two days. The emotions flowing between them were still a whirlwind, but this time it felt much more _positive_.

Alec knew that a part of him was always going to ache for Jace in a way that couldn’t be, but Jace was right, they were two halves of the same soul, they had found each other and _chose_ each other despite all the things that should’ve ruled against it, and that was never not going to matter the _most_. “Don’t think,” he felt the need to add, his face still nuzzled against Jace, “that I ever regretted being your parabatai. Despite everything, I’d do it all again, _always_.”

He felt Jace inhale sharply, and hug him even tighter. “ _Likewise_.” His voice was like a balm to Alec’s ears.

Did that mean that the only thing left was…to forgive himself?

If his parabatai was by his side, he might even try it. 

Eventually, after they indulged in each other’s warmth for quite a while, they broke apart. They probably must’ve looked like a proper mess, tired and over-emotional as they were, but they smiled at each other nonetheless.

Then Jace spoke again, a bit faltering, but with purpose. “I love you, Alec.”

And Alec felt no quavering at the words, had no hesitation in responding, _“_ I love you, too.”

 _Now_ it was freeing. His smile was wobbly, but he felt _light_ and full of certainty at where they stood, for the first time ever _completely_. Nothing would break them apart, not even each other. 

“We should – we should probably get going,” he said then. Jace nodded.

Alec started to turn around, basking in the lack of crippling apprehension for the future.

For the second time, however, he felt his arm be grabbed, at the same time that he started feeling a familiar kind of _fire_ coming from the bond, and he was being spun around, more forcefully than before. The expression he saw on Jace’s face had that same intensity Alec always felt blinded gazing at, but in no time, it got blurred by the hand he felt take hold of his neck, as he was being pushed forward.

When their lips met, the momentum making his mouth _collide_ against Jace’s, Alec closed his eyes. He had suddenly been flung into a parallel world of warm, full lips tasting his own, moving together in the sweetest exchange, of hands holding him close, or keeping his head in place at just the right angle, and of all of that being _Jace_ kissing _him_.

When he could feel the chilly air surrounding them again, Alec forcefully broke apart with a gasp. Taking two steps back, he put his hands – that were already itching from the lack of contact – forward.

“You – you don’t _have_ to do that!”

He felt frantic, he felt inebriated, he felt like all his nerve endings had just been electrocuted…what had just _happened_?

Jace looked like a deer caught in the headlights as much as Alec felt himself to be. “I know I don’t have to do that, I just _wanted_ to do it!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is feedback better than cookies? Scientists debate.


	4. The stars choose their lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I know I don’t have to do that, I just wanted to do it!”_  
>  Jace’s outburst reflected back to him in the form of a star-struck expression on Alec’s face. 
> 
>  
> 
> As they learned at the Seelie Court, one kiss is all it takes...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the last chapter for this fic is here! I had a blast writing all of it, and this will forever be my favorite divergence (if only...). Thanks again to all for the feedback and the cookies :D and to my beta rebelqueens for her help <3  
> This chapter might get mildly hot, and someone might be cutting some onions, but i hope the result is of your liking!  
> p.s. while this is the end of this fic, it's not the end of the universe/divergence i've created, more one-shots and not are on their way, set in future show-canon events as modified by me to fit the divergence ;)  
> p.p.s. tell me if you got the references before the end!

**_Chapter 4_** ****

**_“The stars choose their lovers, save my soul_ **

**_It hurts just the same_ **

**_And I can't tear myself away”_ **

“I know I don’t have to do that, I just _wanted_ to do it!”

Jace’s outburst reflected back to him in the form of a star-struck expression on Alec’s face.

Jace didn’t know what had gotten into him – or he knew _too_ well what had gotten into him – that had compelled him to ruin such a _perfect_ reunion...by _kissing_ his parabatai. Previously unspoken things and long-held feelings had just been laid out between them, validated and embraced, their bond had never been more _secure_ , and he had to go and do _that_. A forbidden act in and of itself, but _especially_ in such voluntary circumstances. Not that he had cared.

He had just watched Alec walk away from him, and he hadn’t been able to accept the inevitable step to _normality_ it would bring to. He had been the one advocating for it, and now he couldn’t stand the thought of it.

The inexplicable feelings and desires that had been awakened in him plagued his mind, his body and _soul_ , and he had to know…the truth. Had it all just been an aftereffect of their kiss at the Seelie Court, specifically _designed_ by the Seelie Queen to have them break their sacred Law? It _had_ all been a scheme to hurt -  _Magnus_ , he now realized, to turn him against the Shadowhunters...so Jace couldn’t put it past her.

But kissing Alec once more had borne no _deception_ , there was no mistaking those same sensations he had felt as well the day before, or the warmth and _want_  it spurred in him…

What it actually _did_ feel like, was that it was no more than the inevitable next step in his bond with Alec. That _rightness_ he had used to describe the entire experience was still there, and he was still trying to wrap his head around it. His heart, as well as his soul that he had already voluntarily knitted with Alec’s, had soared with it a long time ago, it seemed. _What took you so long?_ They now sang to him. 

“What – what do you _mean_?” came Alec's uncharacteristically high-pitched voice. He was shaking his head, holding himself behind his outstretched arms, as if to put a shield between them.

“Exactly _that_! I just wanted – to kiss you,” Jace confessed, breathlessly, openly. What was _this_ , amidst all the things Alec knew about him?

“No – no, you, you didn’t, Jace,” stuttered Alec.

Jace could understand his hesitation in believing him. Alec must've had hopelessly dreamed for far too long of something like this…and Jace now felt some sort of _euphoria_ at being able to give it back to him.

“Yes, I did, _Alec_. I–” he took a few steps forward, slowly, for fear of spooking his parabatai. Alec was already retreating, so Jace impulsively took his hands in between his own. They were cold, yet Jace had never held something so _warm_. “What if I told that what you feel…I feel it too? In the _exact_ way, you do?”

Alec was still shaking his head, not meeting his eyes. “ _Com_ _e on_ , Alec!” Jace felt like laughing. He pulled Alec closer to him. “ _You_ were the one kissing me yesterday…I wasn’t exactly unresponsive, now, was I?”

“That – you – it might just be that you feel confused and, and feeling things that are just…”

“I _know_ , okay? I was overwhelmed at first too! I _was_ confused…but then, I just couldn’t – I _can’t_ stop thinking about that kiss*.” He felt the need to bite his lower lip at that, as memories of Alec kissing him, both real _and_ fantasized, suddenly overflowed him... “About how you kissed me, and how _I_ kissed you. And I can’t even try to deny it… _this_ ,” he put Alec's hands over his _heart_ , whose accelerated beating was unmistakable, “You _feel_ this? It's _real_. It's the _realest_ thing I’ve ever felt. Remember when I told you about my fear of getting attached to you? It might’ve run deeper than I could, or still can, say...I don't _know_ , okay? I don't know if I'm only feeling this now, or if it was always there and I was just too dumb, or scared, or _something_ , to realize it. But what matters is that, right now, I - _want_ this. I want _you_.”

Admitting all that felt like a closed fist had just opened from around his heart. And Jace knew then that _that_ was the incontrovertible truth.

Alec was still silent. He was staring at a spot behind Jace's head; Jace could already tell the walls threatening to build all around him. He had to try another strategy...

“I guess, all it took were your fine kissing skill, _didn’t_ it? I didn’t know you had it in you, my parabatai...”

“Don’t…” 

“…or I _did_ , I mean, I _was_ at your wedding, after a–”

“ _Stop it_ , Jace.”

He knew teasing him would get a rise out of Alec.

“What?” Jace felt calm. He felt no rush when he could simply keep regarding Alec’s face as Alec still tried to reason himself out of the situation, Jace's affection for the wonderful man in front of him quietly pouring out of his every pore. Alec would have to catch up, eventually; he just _couldn't_ miss the waves of emotions that he must’ve been receiving from his end. Jace had always _known_ that he loved Alec, and this didn't feel much different...yet, it _was_. _He_ felt different; bare, unclouded, like he was waking up for the first time in years.

In the end, Alec couldn’t escape looking at him any longer. When their eyes met, the world around them seemed to vanish. The war raging behind Alec’s eyes was a marvel to behold, as he _drank_ Jace in, from the hands that were still over Jace's heart, to his lips, to his eyes. His own _want_ was also unmistakable.

“ _Jace_.” His grave, inevitable tone didn’t hurt any less, as it cut the air in half.

Alec had the uncanny ability of turning his name in entire sentences. Jace, even though he would’ve preferred he didn’t, understood immediately what he meant.

_This is impossible. This is forbidden. This needs to stop now._

Jace knew that, he couldn’t deny that either. He _was_ being foolish, he was letting himself be carried away with the full knowledge of how it will have to _hurt_. Was it wrong of him to still wish he could _have_ this? Alec had raged war with himself over it for years, yet Jace couldn’t even resist one day. But _Alec_ hadn’t had the temptation of his feelings being returned, not until _now_.

However, Alec was still right. This could end up in literal flames; deruning, exile, _separation_. The last option was the one Jace was sure he would never allow to happen, or that he wouldn’t survive if it happened...he could, he _would_ take the exile if he could stay with Alec, but Alec - Alec had just been appointed Head of the Institute, as he had always dreamed! Jace would never take that away from him, or take him away from the family he had spent all his life trying to protect. In the end, if it would’ve been enough, _everything_ to Jace, _he_ couldn’t be all Alec needed.

Jace felt himself let go of Alec’s hands.

For a moment, for a blissful moment, it had felt like something in his life was finally falling into place. Like a ship lost at sea, he had seen the light coming from the shore, the long-yearned-for harbor miracously within reach…

Instead, the cold reality that was slowly sinking in now felt like a boulder tied to his leg, reminding him of his rightful place at the bottom of the ocean. It had been there all along, in the form of a rune drawn on his side,  _he_ had made sure of it…he was simply being stupid and naïve enough to try and forget about it. He thought, ironically, how he had originally meant for his bond with Alec to be an _anchor_ , to keep him grounded, _not_ on the ground.

The feeling that he was starting to regret that very same bond - his _one_ certainty amidst all the mess and confusion that was his life - set dreadfully on Jace more than anything else. It felt like he had just committed a _blasphemy..._ he wouldn’t have been surprised if the sky had opened up to strike him right then and there.

Alec, surprisingly, didn’t step away. Jace’s eyes widened for a moment as he saw him raise his arms, to come cradle his head as he had done at the Seelie Court, gently starting to caress his face with his thumbs. Jace could've melted under that touch: he _was_ shivering, his heart clenched painfully. Then Alec laid his forehead against Jace’s, only that. They both fell still, breathing themselves in, as Jace tried as hard as he could to keep himself from falling apart.

“ _Facilis descensus averno_ ,” Alec whispered.

 _I’m here. We’ll get through this together. We can’t be broken._ Jace knew, that was what Alec meant.

What an ironically poetic ending to their beginning.

* * *

**_“Will I recover that broken piece?_ **

**_Let it go and unleash all the feelings”_ **

_To truly break a man, you need to give him hope, then take it away from him**._

Alec didn’t feel broken. If he felt _sad_ , it didn’t matter. If the brief glimpse to a life spent loving Jace in all the ways he wanted to, had first filled his heart and then shattered it in half, it wasn’t of much importance. He had known better, while Jace had _just_ been plunged into this kind of sweet, unyielding torture – by _him_ , no less. If he had let himself be pulled into the dream for one, blessed, second, staring at the man he loved with his entire being…he only had himself to blame.

Smoothing the skin on Jace’s face with his thumbs, pressing their heads together, breathing Jace’s familiar scent in, he could almost mistake the emptiness that was creeping inside of him as _calm_. He would not break.

“ _Facilis descensus averno_ ,” he whispered softly to him, knowing Jace would understand.

 _They_ wouldn’t be broken.   

After this last moment of indulgence, they would go back to their lives, to being parabatai, to loving and supporting each other like they _should_ , and, eventually, it would all be alright again. Right then, Alec didn’t even find it in himself to resent the Seelie Queen for what she had, quite purposefully, done to them. A taste, no matter how bitterly he'll have to rethink of it in the future, was still _something_. When he thought of a life where he still didn't known what it felt like kissing Jace, versus one where he _did_ know...Alec couldn't help but prefer the latter. It might've ruined everyone else for him...he would now have an even harder time trying to get over him...but, after all, he _was_ a selfish, pitiful being. 

A small eternity passed, until Jace, taking a small step back from him, raised his head and looked into his eyes once more. Alec would truly miss that look, directed at him and _only him_. 

“What do you think…of a kiss? One last kiss,” Jace said, positively _begging_ him.

And Alec could only nod. Knowing he would regret it later. Not regretting it now in the least.

Now that they were both aware, both willing participants, both entirely _conscious_ of what was about to happen in the privacy of that isolated rooftop, they took their time to savor every single moment.

Alec was the first one to move; slowly, tentatively, he brought his hands forward to have them hold Jace by the hips, over his shirt. That contact alone still caused shivers to pass through him, and he used that grip to pull Jace closer towards himself. As the space between them became less and less, they didn’t waste any time to start drinking in every inch of each other.

The way their bodies, as Jace raised his arms to circle them around Alec’s neck, were falling into place like two puzzle pieces…

The way, like magnets, their lips found each other with precision, inexorably, unescapably, the fire under their skin ignited at every new touch, engulfing them with its heat, its warmth, its burning desire to touch, to taste, to have _more_...

Alec felt it mounting from the pit of his stomach, and he had no more inhibitions to restrain it.

Inhebriated by the sweetness of Jace's tongue on his, he gripped Jace more forcefully to himself, rising his shirt to feel the hot skin under it, and Alec started walking forward without breaking them apart, pushing, blindly, until they reached a wall. Pressing against it, the full, deliciously harsh and sudden body contact made them both gasp for breath, panting against each other's faces. It took no time for Alec to dive back in, however, and put his open mouth against Jace’s, darting out his tongue to lock it with his. The shivers caused by Jace rising  _his_ shirt to touch _his_ skin, made it imperative that Alec took Jace’s lips between his teeth.

When he felt the vibration in his throat, before he _heard_ the moan escape from Jace, Alec realized he was already gone for good. An Angel could’ve struck them right then and there, and he would have barely noticed. When he felt Jace’s fingernails dug deep into his shoulders, and the mere, motionless pressing of their lower bodies became simply not _enough_ , he could already feel they wouldn’t stop. When he put a knee in between Jace’s legs, while the latter started mouthing, lapping, _biting_ at the _Deflect_ rune on his neck, rousing a _growl_ out of him, Alec knew he wouldn’t be the one to make them.

Falling on the floor after that was simple, inevitable. Alec looked up, and the image of Jace, with his wild golden hair and his intense, differently-colored eyes, his face flushed, his mouth delightfully pink and swollen, hovering a few inches away from his, his body pressed firmly against Alec’s, could’ve very well been that of an Angel itself. Jace was indeed the _closest_ thing to heaven Alec could picture. Even if he deserved hell for what they were doing.

The thought, however, only alimented his burning-hot desire further. He was already doomed, so raising Jace’s shirt to remove it, circling Jace's body with his arms, flipping them over...was only the _least_ he could do to cement that. He brought their lips together again, and divine punishment seemed nothing compared to the holiness of what he was feeling.

A circumstance unfamiliar to him, Alec found himself to be the most experienced of the pair in this kind of act. All their clothes soon discarded, Jace let him worship his body to the content of his heart’s desire and Alec had never felt more blessed in his life. He could've drowned forever, buried into _Jace_ , and he would've been thankful. 

* * *

**_“I don’t want to know who we are without each other_ **

**_It’s just too hard”_ **

“What is my body, when I have already given you my heart and my soul?”

Those were the last words – besides Alec’s name – that Jace uttered, just a murmur between them, before surrendering himself to the sensations.

When Alec took him, almost reverently, in his mouth, Jace could already feel himself step over the edge from the first contact. It was all a whirlwind after that, of climbing and rising then falling back, as well as of stickiness and awkwardness and stifled laughter, which only cemented _further_ Jace’s absolute _adoration_ for the man he had chosen to tie himself to in every possible way. All of this should’ve felt weird, or uncomfortable, or embarrassing, but it never was.

When their bodies were finally, completely, joined, and, from initially tentative and strained, their movements became frantic and passionate, an ecstatic feeling took ahold of Jace’s entire being. As he pawed and _clawed_ at Alec’s back, as Alec made _love_  to him, chills spreading from where Alec's mouth breathed against his neck to where Jace had his legs wrapped around his hips – not even mentioning the unfamiliar yet completely world-rocking, burning friction that was going on inside of him that made him unable to stifle earth-shattering groans – Jace looked up at the stars above him, and he realized for the first time that no other moment like this that he had experienced, could even _begin_ to _compare_. Or to _matter_.

This, _this_ was what he had foolishly thought he knew anything about, what he had craved, and rejected, and completely misunderstood. It wasn’t about the bodies…it was about _two_ _souls_ , originally connected, finally meeting and conjoining again, after spending all their lives apart in search of each other...***

What was the Clave _doing_ , trying to restrain and limit the full scale of what _parabatai_ could be to each other, _with_ each other? Cause Jace had no doubts, in that moment, that _that_ had always been meant to happen, and that the bond coursing between them, making it all so much more powerful, beautiful, _all encompassing_ , couldn’t fit into any mortal concept such as _Philia_ , _Storge_ or _Eros_ , not even _Agape_. It was _so much more_. There couldn’t _possibly_ be anything taboo, or wrong, or impossible in what they were doing – in what they were _feeling,_ and he couldn't regret the moment of utter _neediness_ that had spurred him to ask for one last kiss. Not if it had brought to _this_. 

As Alec let out a moan that resonated in Jace as if it had been his own, and Alec went that much deeper inside of him, hitting the right spot that made Jace arch against his body, trembling, Jace took hold of Alec's neck and brought their lips together in a desperate kiss. It didn't take long after that for both to reach their climax, inevitably in sync like for everything they did together. They rode the wave of indescribable, exponential pleasure as _one,_ and Jace firmly believed that nothing could ever change the  _rigthness_ of that moment.

After, he kept holding onto Alec, still unwilling, and unable, to let him go. Alec seemed to be of the same mind. 

Jace couldn’t have said how long they stayed on that roof, of a building technically inhabited, on a floor questionably clean. He only knew that he wasted no time in kissing, exploring, worshipping, caressing every inch of Alec, and Alec in turn did the same to him.

His parabatai was so trusting, so  _vulnerable_ in his hands, that something  _moved_ inside of Jace at seeing him like that, with pleasure and abandon softening his features as he had never seen. _He_ was causing that in Alec, _he_ could feel Alec's long-burning love envelop him with all its warmth. At some point - when being inside of Alec for the first time in his life had just been  _everything -_  Jace had opened his eyes, and he had noticed that a few _tears_  were falling from the corner of Alec's eyes. Jace had also caused _this_ , a longing and pain so lasting that they were now overwhelming _him_ as well as the man he held in his arms. He had kissed Alec's tears away, hoping that it would at least _help_ heal his wounds.

 _How_ had he never noticed just how beautiful Alec was? How had he looked at him all this time and never realized what he _had_ right in front of him? With his big, hazel eyes that seemed to gaze right into his soul, with the lean, strong body that fit so perfectly under his touch…

The more he experienced of it, the more Jace felt his heart grow ten times bigger. And every time he reached that spot on Alec’s abdomen where his parabatai rune was, the one _he_ had drawn oh so long ago, Jace couldn’t refrain from giving it all of his attention, as if it were the most precious thing in the world…which it was. He would never let it be a source of grief, ever again.

Still, it couldn’t help but be a reminder of the impending separation that loomed over them. Every second that went by, the prospect of it only seemed harsher and _unbearable_ – so much that Jace marveled and felt _devastated_ at the same time, thinking of how his life had so severely changed in just forty-eight hours. 

In the end, after being overcome by a new wave of pleasure even _stronger_ than the one before, Jace let himself collapse onto Alec. He placed his head right where Alec’s heart was, so that he could listen intently to his still accelerated heartbeat. Alec circled him with his arms, and Jace closed his eyes as he felt the feather-like brush of Alec's lips on the top of his head.

That, more than anything, almost made _him_ start to cry.  

* * *

  ** _“Don’t want to know the other side of a world without you”_**

Holding Jace tight to his chest, both their bodies slick with sweat, the lingering waves of pleasure still coursing through him, Alec felt like crying.

It was a chilly night, and the floor they were laying over, completely naked, was positively freezing. The exertion spreading sleepiness throughout his limbs made it hard to push the cold away any longer…yet he had never felt so warm. Leaning forward to kiss the top of Jace’s damp head, Alec thought that if he kept his eyes closed a little more, he could believe this was all a dream. The most vivid, the most _perfect_ , but still a dream.

He couldn't last long in that headspace, however, and he didn’t. Soon, the crucial, repetitive, too-familiar questions hovering over them were already making themselves heard in his foggy mind. He was tired of listening to them, and of having to _answer_ to them. _How can you let Jace go now that you’ve experienced what it feels having all of him? How are you going to act normal around him from now on? How can you think to resist him knowing that he feels the same? How can you think to hide what just happened when you must have it written all over you? You probably_ have _the marks to prove it all over your skin…so how…how…HOW?!_

“Fuck it!”

Jumping, Jace quickly raised his head to look at him, alarmed. “What?!”

“I said,” Alec sat up. “Fuck. It.”

Jace was staring, puzzled, seemingly about to inquire further, but Alec cut him off by diving in for a kiss. He was blunt, too fast, probably too rough, but Jace responded in tow nonetheless. He had meant it to be quick, but they still got lost in it for a while. 

“Mmh…wait, what was that about?” Jace breathed out as they parted. “Not that I’m complaining.”

Looking at his parabatai’s glorious form draped languidly over him, the glisten of his sweat making him almost _glow_ , Alec strengthened his resolve.

“I’m done,” he stated. Before Jace could misinterpret him, Alec smiled at him, with the most wide, genuine, euphoric smile he could muster. Jace widened his eyes at that, confusion written all over him. “I’m _done_ worrying! I’m done bowing down, I’m done living for others and not taking what I want! And I won't do it now either. Jace, I won’t let you – _this_ – go, if you won’t let me go as well.”

His words were slowly sinking in, cause Jace’s mouth started widening, a sparkling, triumphant look paving its way in his eyes. “Are you _sure_?”

“ _Yes_.” He cupped Jace’s face, and, in that moment, it felt like holding his entire world in the palm of his hands. “I can’t fool myself any longer, can I? _I love_ _you_. I’ve always loved you, and I always _will_. Nothing and no one could ever change that, whether I want it or not. And, honestly, I’m fine with it. If you will have me…I am yours, my parabatai.”

Only a few hours earlier, he had _dreaded_ to bare all of his deepest and most shameful desires in front of Jace, the thought of revealing his most vulnerable parts for his parabatai to take and crush at his will making him feel _sick,_ but now that he was _literally_ naked in front of him...he had never felt more confident. After how he had just made love to Jace, with everything he _had_ , pleasuring him as well as himself in too many ways to count, the _reactions_  and wanton desire he spurred in Jace shocking him at the very core (not even in his _dreams_...).  After how  _Jace_ had made love to _him,_ well beyond hope and imagination, so much that Alec at some point had screamed his name till he was hoarse (he had _cried_ , by the Angel)...would there ever be anything anymore that his parabatai didn't know of him? The thought of just how eagerly and _desperately_ he had opened himself up to Jace and melted at his every touch wasn't even a cause of embarassment, but of the greatest _joy_.

Because what they had, what they _felt_ , couldn’t be measured, couldn’t be restricted, especially without even a _legit_ reason for it…thus, he was _done_ tiptoeing around ancient Laws, driving himself crazy over the possible consequences. His life was _his_ , and he would live it to the fullest. That meant having _Jace_. 

The man in question was uncharacteristically silent. Alec looked at him, and he noticed how his enthusiasm had faded, his grin turned into a sorrowful frown... “Alec, I–”

Of course, _of course_ he had jumped too high. Feeling like he had just received an electric shock, Alec started drawing his hands away. Jace, however, was faster, and he stopped him by holding his hands with his own.

“Wait. I just mean… _I love you_ , _too_ , _Alec_. Of course I love you! And I’d like so _much_ to just dive in into this with not a care in the world. But you – _we_ – could lose _everything_! And I’m not letting you ruin your life – your family, your carreer! – just because of me. Alec, I _can’t_. Think about it…you already have everything you need. I could talk to Magnus, seriously! I can make him see that this was all a mistake, I’m sure he’ll take you back, he _loves_ you! You could be happy with him, without all the trouble you’d have to go through to be with me…”

“To love is to destroy, and to be loved is to be the one destroyed, isn't that right?” Alec said. He couldn’t mask the severity in his tone.

“Well, yes, but that’s not what –”

“ _Jace_.” That name had always been a prayer in Alec's mind, and he always tried to convey with it more than he could say. Yet, Alec needed actual _words_ to speak for him. “The _trouble_ I’d go through to be with you, wouldn’t be so _troubling****..._ _because_ I’d be with you. I don’t want to lose the rest, but I don’t want to lose _this_  either...We, together, can make it! I _believe_ it! If I have faith in something, it's  _you_. It’s always been you.” 

"But...we'd be breaking the _Law_." Jace's voice was strained, yet unable to mask the hope in it, which he was obviously trying  _not_  to lean into, and failing.

Alec couldn't help but snort. "Since when do you care about the Law?"

Jace rolled his eyes, a bashful look on his face. "I'll admit I have my reservations...but _you_ care."

"I do, but don't you see? I'd break _every_ Law - for _you, Jace._ "

Jace inhaled sharply, slowly, trying to take it all in, his eyes almost glistening. “Alec...I don’t know if I’m worth that much.”

Alec pushed himself closer, his hands still holding Jace’s face. Leaning forward, he put his lips on Jace’s forehead, tenderly, earnestly, trying to convey in his kiss everything he felt for _him_. Then he moved to his nose, his eyelids, both of his cheeks, his chin…when he reached Jace's lips it was only to softly brush against them.

“You will always be worth it.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess the reference:  
> *Delphine Cormier, Orphan Black, s01e08  
> **when i remembered this quote i thought it was some intellectual poetic thing, instead it turned out to be just a meme that i paraphrased lmao http://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1064205-rwby i was mildly disappointed  
> ***greek myth about soulmates being once the same being, later separated and wishing to be joined again ;)  
> ****inspired by Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother, s04e24  
>    
> Is feedback also better than...nutella?


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